And just like that in the blink of an eye she was gone -off to college. My little bird had spread her wings and was flying off to greener pastures. I remember the day like it was yesterday when we brought her home from the hospital. This tiny chit of child, a new being born of my blood and my body, someone I was clueless about rearing. This little girl taught me love. Pure selfless unconditional love. I remember thinking to myself back then – how is it ever possible to love someone so deeply or so selflessly. Those words stand true today.
Over the years every tiny step she took felt like a giant leap to me, every breath of hers felt like a gift from God himself, every cut or scrape she endured I felt the agony, every effort taken for her felt like a cake walk (I never let her know that though – I’m sentimental not stupid) and every tear she shed I cried with her. Those hugs which she found solace in have always been my lifeline and now we are separated, so I must wait for those scrawny arms to hold me again. We wait for her to come home – juggle her schedules and commitments so she can take time out for her parents. Thank God she is only 4 hours away and not across the country. Dissimilar to my situation when I had moved across the world to continue my education. An expensive education when you are an international student in the United States by any standards. A gift to me by my parents to set me up for success in life.
I think back to those days and I want to tell my parents a huge thank you and – “I’m sorry”. I should have called back more often. I should have checked in a little more frequently. While I have the comfort of all my gadgetry to know that my dearest is safe and just a phone call away, every time I miss her (with facetime to boot). It was not the same in those days. Expensive long distance calls, time differences (from being across the globe), class schedules and then just my social life. We missed each other more often than connected and played phone tag for days. My dad would leave me a frustrated message saying “This is your dad calling! Call me back!” Today with him gone I crave to hear that message one more time. Like every parent their love knew no boundaries. The anxiety and concern they must have had every time their phone call went unanswered makes my stomach churn with guilt. Today, I appreciate them more for despite all their fears they never let it affect my education or the path that I chose in my life.
As this journey for us has just begun, we yet have a lot of growing up to do. I can already see her change, I have changed. All our frustrations and screaming matches (trust me you don’t want to be in the house when mother-daughter are going at each other) have given way to kind, warm words. Virtual verbal hugs that we endear everyday, sometimes twice a day. My neurotic location finding yet continues at midnight to ensure she is safe and secure in her dorm. Not sure if that will ever change though. There is a lot of love and understanding from each side as we all adjust to our new normal, for that I am hugely grateful. This will probably change as she/we get busy and have fully coped with the fact that we will probably not physically live under the same roof for an extended period ever again. I also take immense comfort in the fact that I am a four-hour drive away should I just wish to see her face and plant a big wet kiss on her cheek!
I am not the first mom going through this and I will certainly not be the last. Whenever I ask all my predecessors how they felt after they dropped their pride and joy off to college. They get a faraway look in their eyes and a small sad smile on their face. Now I know what that means.
When I go to bed tonight, I will say a silent prayer to my father and every other parent from times gone and say “thank you”; for entrusting us with your immense investment and having the faith in us to do the right thing, be in the right place and make the right decisions even when we were yet on shaky ground finding our feet and you were not there to guide us. How hard that is, today I appreciate fully.
Meanwhile, the debate continues in my household – am I a helicopter mom? What do you think?
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